Ugly Beautiful Truth

Sometimes you come to your end. Somedays...there isn't enough left inside, and the tank runs dry...leaving you emotionally stranded on the edge of your own life. Sometimes, the suffering, both personally and to those you love...and to a broken world is just SO exhausting that there is nothing left to do except surrender to emotion...to tears...to a break.

I do believe there is cleansing in tears. I have fallen under their medicated washing, I have succumbed to the flood on occasion..and I have felt relief at their end.

But sometimes... it just hurts more. Sometimes...there aren't enough to cover your head in glorious submersion...there is merely a misting on the tips of your toes.

Then what?

I know we have all had those days when we feel that surely nothing more can be endured. Perhaps, it's a season of darkness that violently swallows the light of peace...the glow of possibility. It's likely a time in life where it appears that everyone else is finding their way...and you are painfully behind. Or maybe, it just appears that they are better equipped than you are to bear the burden.

I'm not built for a broken heart. I'm not built for rejection, or dishonesty... half truths, or ignorance. A broken heart paralyses me. Rejection and dishonesty claw at the thin membrane around my soul. Half truths and ignorance taunt me and buzz in my peripheral.

The only remedy I can come up with tonight for these things is to fall back on my resolution for 2011. Don't be that person. Live with integrity. Live in honesty...be open minded and realistic about boundaries. Be ruthless with what is and isn't acceptable in this life. Stick to it.

As for a broken heart? What can I say? I don't have a means of seeing myself out of it. I have no recommendations for survival. Letting someone go who isn't good for you is a chosen grief. I suppose, it comes down to a quote I hope to someday tattoo on the inside of my everyday consciousness,

"Don't be reckless with other peoples hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours". ~Mary Schmich

Urgent Life

Urgency. I often get emails with little red exclamation points beside them, indicating that the content is of the utmost importance...critical. It's usually something that needs to be attended to immediately... a phone call, a report due, and change in the company... or something that can't be missed.

What if situations in life were that easy to segment and identify? You would wake up in the morning, and your blackberry would send you a reminder..."Tell your Dad you love him today". Perhaps it would tell you to pay attention to that stranger, save a $20.00 bill for an emergency or start decluttering your life. The possibilities are endless, really.

I made a mental resolution as 2011 emerged on January 1st. It was to have difficult conversations this year... to say what I feel, to be honest to my core, and to carefully set and stick to my boundaries. This is applicable in all areas of my life.

A funny thing happens when you consciously make a decision like this....the opportunities find you. The challenges are mirrored in front of you, and your course of action now determines your character. Do you avoid a conflict and also inevitably compromise your integrity? OR, do you speak your mind with kindness and humility, and a resolute heart? I am choosing the latter this year...and it's been empowering, a little scary...and strangely liberating.

Someone once said, "When you know better, you do better".

I know much better. I know that life is precious...and it is happening NOW. After all, this isn't a dress rehearsal, this is our life. (Thank you to The Tragically Hip for that incredible line).

So tackle those things you are putting off...or conveniently not thinking about. Attempt to resolve the unresolvable.

Saving Money? DO IT NOW.

Losing Weight? DO IT NOW.

Telling someone how you feel? DO IT NOW.

Putting your own happiness first? DO IT RIGHT NOW.

One life, friends. Chase the dreams... pursue the incredible...be authentic.

It's an urgent situation.

Outcome?

No regrets.

Superhero Mom

Have you ever thought back to where you learned the rudimentary, basic skills of life? What about those quirky, interesting, not so everyday tasks that required someones expert guidance?

I guarantee you, dollars to donuts...it was likely a parent... and I'm even more sure, it was probably your Mother.

I know people who have lost their Mothers. I feel like people my age are much too young to be losing parents. I am in my mid thirties, and feel like I still have so much to learn from my Mother. I still feel like a girl...even though I was 9 yrs. old when my Mother was my age. Oh, how the world has changed.

Over the last 24 hours, my Mother has stepped in, and done what she does best...

Help.

Teach.

Guide.

Save.

I realise, how much she knows, just by virtue of being who she is...and the lessons she has decided to learn herself, and then pass onto me...and the hundreds of Grade 6 students she taught over 38 years. She is an invaluable resource...she is a tireless cheerleader...she doesn't do it FOR you, she shows you HOW. She is amazing.

She helped me wallpaper last night. She came over with soup and cake for me, just because. Secretly, I think she does it as a way of still taking care of me. She told me how she and my grandmother used to wallpaper together...I loved the stories. Today I asked her to fix a tear in my favourite black skirt...like I have a million times, and she had it repaired in a few minutes. She has helped me move, make curtains, hang a towel rack...and has listened to my woes of brokenheartedness time and time again...did I tell you she is amazing? Because she is INCREDIBLE.

So Mom, know I appreciate you...I see you as a woman determined to love, support, befriend and lead. I have learned the big and small things in life by watching you live them in front of me.

I will always need you..I will always love you...you are my rock. xo

Boy on the Hill

It's like watching a storm role in. You see it on the horizon...you feel the air change and whip around you... you feel tension in the atmosphere, and you want to head for safety.

It's like hearing about a terrible accident on the radio, and knowing that is the exact route you are driving on...you have to approach it, look at it, drive past it and let it into your consciousness for a brief time.

It's just the same as remembering where you were when you first found out about 9/11... where you were when you found out Princess Diana had perished in a highspeed car chase... where you were when you heard about the Tsunami, the Haiti Earthquake... Hurricane Katrina.

My hurricane...my tsunami...my earthquake is this Sunday. It will force me to review a year... and to let the grief in again. It will jolt me awake early, with aggression and brute force. It will slap an expiration date on the last year, and taunt me...it will flash like a sign in my consciousness...

He's been gone for 1 year.

The wish in my heart is not to have Michael back. I know he is unthinkably happy. I know he is whole, and has conquered his struggles. I know God saw my dear friend that early morning, and called him home for something greater... something so great that my feeble human mind struggles to find meaning in. I know this last year has had moments of such unbelievable coincidence and joy, that I am left to believe, those moments were truly orchestrated by my friend...to tell us he is ok.

I wish him here for selfish reasons..for human reasons. Selfishly, I want to see his sheer disbelief... I want to see the pride swell inside him.. I want to know he has seen the unspeakable love, the selfless acts..the sacrifice of many hours of sleep...the tide of tears, both joyous and grievous to serve those he loved and had a passion for. I want to see the smirk on his face and him shaking his head as he overhears conversations between people who were strangers a mere year ago. I want to assure him, with all that I am...and all that I have...that his legacy has JUST begun, and that he too, can "trust the bigger picture".

So to my dearest friend... may you smile when you see what your world has become in the last year. May you laugh that raspy, full hearted belly laugh when you see some of the antics we have all gotten up to. May you sit back on a lawn chair with a triple/triple, and watch your nephews discover an amazing world. I pray you will find yourself in our dreams...both awake and asleep, as you lead us into new and wonderful opportunities that only YOU could have inspired.

And all of those things you hoped for? Michael's Hope is on the horizon....and I know the Boy On the Hill is watching over me...and us...and an indescribable destiny.

Miss you kiddo. xo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=riu-9y3SkjY&feature=related

The Heaven Perspective

A Father drops off his young daughter at a birthday party. The child sits quietly on the way, hands clasped in her lap. She is noticeably anxious. If you were able to penetrate her thoughts, you would know her emotions are swirling and mixed...she is SO excited to be going to a party, it's her first one, after all! This will be the first party where she is a big enough girl to go on her own...the first party where she gets to play with her friends, eat cake, and play lots of fun games.... and inevitably, she's bound to receive many incredible gifts, and make some new friends during the day.

She has some anxiety...a flutter in her tummy... and an unsure feeling. This is the first time she will be away from her Father...this is the first time He will not be evidently by her side to keep an eye on her, and protect her. She timidly asks Him, "Daddy... what if I don't like it there? What if I need to talk to you"? Her Father smiles and looks His beautiful child in her trusting eyes..." My precious girl...don't you know? I am just a call away...ALWAYS". She sighs...she is reassured.

They arrive at the party, and the little girl is met with open arms, and excitement..."She's HERE"!! Yells the lady who opens the door.... and she escorts her into the party, where, unbenounced to her, she is the guest of honour... for she is the celebrated.

She is shocked to find all of the wonderful things in front of her. Exquisite boxes wrapped in jewel tones, with floral ribbons, and bows tied with thick velvety ribbons. As she opens the first box...she gasps in shock...for before her lies a map. It is a living document, with a starting point, and an ending point...and all of the exciting places in the middle are marked with a fuschia "X".

The next box she opens, has 2 cannisters in it. She looks curiously at them, and gently pops the lid to the first one. An explosion of silver confetti fills the air, and inside the empty container, she finds a ring...and it has an inscription on the inside of the band. It says..." Potential, Courage, Faith, Hope and Love...Love Dad".

The second cannister does not have the same explosion, but rather, a small pendant on a gold necklace...the pendant is a violin. She knows this will be a part of her life...for she has always had a passion for the instrument.

The day carries on...and the Father actually becomes homesick for his little girl. He calls to see how she is doing. He is thrilled to find that she got the ring and the necklace..for they were gifts from Him. She tells Him how wonderful her day has been. He is a contented Father.

Later on...as the afternoon fades into evening, the little girl becomes tired. She is worn out from an amazing event... a place where she has had more fun than she could ever imagine...has been given personal, invaluable gifts that she cherishes, and has indeed, made many friends throughout the duration of the day. She has also had some arguements, shed a few tears, and even found herself with a skinned knee when she fell on the sidewalk. Just as she has the phone in her hand, to call her Father to come take her home, an amazing thing happens. He is there. Standing in the doorway...a broad smile across His kind face...arms spread wide to embrace his girl. He sees the daughter he adores...and runs towards her... arms expectant of His little girl, ready to come home. "Daddy?", she asked puzzled, "How did you know I was ready to go?" He laughed lightly, and touched her cheek. "My child...I knew the minute you would arrive, and surely, I know when you're ready to come home".

He asks her, "Did you have fun, favourite child of mine"? She buries her head in His shoulder... and she holds His neck tightly. "Daddy...I had such a good time! I played with my friends, I met so many great people who I love very much! I learned how to play so many games I didn't know how to play before, and I received gifts so perfect for me, it's like I picked them out myself".

He grinned broadly, and whispered in her ear..."my beloved...I gave you the gifts...the ones that mattered...I gave you the map to mark your path...I gave you the engraved ring so to remind you that all of those things are in you. I also gave you the necklace... it was my favourite gift to you. I knew how much you adored your violin, and you have always played so beautifully."

"Daddy", she whispered..."I want to go home, but I don't want to leave my friends...I love them so much". He looked compassionately at his baby girl, and said..."Honey... they will come over to OUR house soon...you don't have to miss them. Remember how you felt at the celebration when I dropped you off? The friends from far and away are at OUR house right now, because we're having an even BIGGER party to welcome you home!!"

As they got into the car, all of the attendees from the party rushed out to the front lawn to wave goodbye to the guest of honour. She rolled down her window, and shouted, " I am going home for another party! I get to see my grandma, and my favourite uncle, and my little sister who has been away for a long time!" The crowd of friends cheered and waved...and blew kisses to the little girl. "I will miss you!" she exclaimed, "Thank you so much for the great party! Daddy says, whenever any of you comes over, we will have a party for YOU when you get there! I will see you all soon...I love you all very much".

While sadness filled the crowd as the little girl pulled away with her Father... a collective energy raced through them like electricity. "We will see her again!" Someone said. "I can't wait to go to her house, and see what kind of party her Dad puts on!" said another. A small voice rose from the back of the crowd, and said..."I'm going to learn the violin... I will think of her everytime I play, and someday...we can play together."

"In my Fathers house, there are many wonderful places! If it were otherwise, surely I would have told you. For I am going ahead, to make ready a place for you." John 14:2

My friends, don't you want to go? xo

Trust

Trust. I realised on Saturday morning, at 3:56am, that trust is the strong hand that grasps for Hope. If we didn't trust that life could be different...situations could change...or that God would intervene in a moment of absolute desperation...then our hope would be futile.

I watched someone I love very much leave a body riddled with cancer, and step instantly into a heavenly, eternal existence. She trusted and loved Jesus for as long as I knew her...she was a tirelessly compassionate, committed child of God. She is my mothers sister...she is my aunt.

When she was diagnosed, she put full trust in the Lord to heal her...and trusted that He would take care of her. She extended her hand of trust toward heaven, and hoped.

She wasn't healed this side of heaven. She passed away in front of my eyes...and I knew in that instant, that she was new. She was in a perfect body, she was in the arms of her Saviour. He didn't abandon her...He didn't let her down...He came to get her. Her hopes were realized as she looked in His kind face, and He embraced her like an old friend that He had been waiting for with anticipation. I imagine that she wept in His strong arms...tears of joy, gratitude and overwhelming love. He took her to the celebration...to the homecoming. She had returned from a long journey...and she's now home.

So, for my Aunt Sharan...I thank you for the privilege of witnessing your unshakeable faith. I can't say I am that strong...not by a long shot. I am humbled and honoured that you let me be there as you stepped out of your sick, tired, broken body, and met our Jesus. I can only imagine that place called Glory. I know you will keep your promise to me...meet me when I get there. Thank you for going ahead of us...you always were braver than most and loved an adventure.

But until then...I can only imagine.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_lrrq_opng

The Leader Board

A year in review. I am sure you are doing the same thing too as 2010's end is on the horizon, and the dawn of 2011 is cracking over the near future.

I took at peek at my vision board this morning...there were so many things I thumb tacked on there a year ago before things changed so much that I didn't know....didn't know what, you might ask? Why didn't she finish that sentence? Truthfully...for parts of this year...I felt like I didn't know anything anymore. 2010 turned into a year of reinvention, and it was without choice...I was pushed under the bus of reinvention, because everything I knew before February 13th, 2o10...was all I had EVER known. This meant, there was no room in my mind for boundary pushing, new ways of thinking...change. Then a phone call on February 13th, at 10:47pm broke my coocoon wide open...and there was no opportunity to return to the comfort of my confining chrysalis...the only chance for survival was to move out into the new world.

My vision board had words on it, that I didn't know at the time...how to fulfill. Some of them were:

Serving Opportunities

Adventure

Brave

Sleeping Peacefully (THAT didn't happen a lot this year...but I sure did enjoy it when it did).

Strong

I didn't know that any of those words would serve ME in a year of grief. I just didn't know what they meant...I knew I wanted all of those things...but it was abstract to me... it was a different vocabulary of my own language...or perhaps a foreign dialect altogether.

I am amazed at the reflection this morning...I am moved to deep emotions in this moment, because what I put out there this year, truly did return to me in wierd and wonderful ways. This is a true testament to me that what we focus on, what we repeatedly visualise, think about and have in our face everyday....my friends, it MATTERS. It matters because you can truly create your life according to the things you think about everyday...what you think is the biggest catalyst for opportunity and change in your life.

I didn't know in January 2010, that those words would propel me like a hurricane force wind in the sail of an aimless sailboat. Now, as I think about the words that will be at my back guiding me through 2011...I am thinking carefully about what I want December 2011 to look like...and I am thinking backward. Perhaps if I see where I WANT to be, the decision will be more mutual between destiny and myself.

So I challenge you to think about it my friends... what do you put in your mind everyday that affirms you? What words do you see that challenge your soul? How long will you think that your life doesn't go where your thoughts have already been?

Welcome to your life... where is your roadmap?