Signal Your Intent

Roundabouts are quite new to Canada. They don't put me off or confuse me as I have spent considerable time in countries that use them on their roadways as a way of keeping traffic moving, and eliminating stop lights.

The newest roundabout has just opened in my city, and it's the biggest one in the area. Upon approach, there is a flashing sign for the newbies:

SIGNAL YOUR INTENT

I read it, and clearly knew what it meant- but somehow, it spoke to me on another level.

Instead of driving forward in life, at a speed sometimes too accelerated...with inertia directing at its whim, maybe life is more intentional and more focused if, we signal our intent.

I sometimes feel adrift...dizzy with the pace of life, but seemingly without a determined destination. The "getting there" is less important than the "getting through." I feel sometimes like there is a revolving door that I'm stuck in, and somehow, I am always being tossed out at the beginning of the next school year, or the next first snowfall. Except...it's another year later, the landscape of my life is morphed into a hybrid of the year before...and the year before that...and so on.

I've always found that writing things down makes things come alive. It brings my lifes dreams out of that fairy land of wispy make belief into tangible, attainable, in my face realities. Those times that I have signaled my intent have been the most rewarding, concrete and measurable seasons of being on this human journey.

I dream of living far away, and have for a long time...I've been afraid to write it down. Writing it down has meant that I am accountable. Now, today in fact, a dear friend has returned home to Australia after a year of great adventure here in my beautiful Canada, and another kindred friend will step into a new life in 12 days as she hops across the pond to England. I love and admire their bravery- and I hope someday to be in their shoes. So, I am writing it here...for me, and for you, and for the world to take notice of...Hey, I want to move somewhere new and exciting. Someday...tomorrow, next week, next year...20 years from now. I am signaling my intent...I am letting the universe know it has a job to do.

Maybe think about it. Writing down the things in your life that your heart wants. It teaches you so much..it's a beautiful and fragile expression of honesty between you and destiny.

xo

We Are...

 
It quietly, and stoically stands. It's dignified, strong, and confident. It doesn't draw unnecessary attention to itself - but it will be celebrated...by me, by we - those far away, and those safely within the borders - we will think of all it is to be Canadian.


It's Wheat Kings, and pretty things.
It's skyscraper sized white icebergs drifting in the North Atlantic.
It's small towns and big cities, the corner store, and the CN Tower.
It's mountain air, and campfires...stargazing and satellite spotting over a Great Lake.
It's a hybrid North American- less fearful, more self assured.

It's a blazing red maple leaf in October.
It's poutine in Montreal.
It's a quiet and brash government- from Chretien to Trudeau.
It's standing on the top of Grouse Mountain- and looking out over tree tops to a twinkling Vancouver.


We are First Nations and the Quebecois, cowboys and fishermen.
We are a society of the unarmed...and the disarming.
We are the Tim Horton's nation- double double loving, maple dip ordering, and "keep the change" kind of folks.
We are Thank You and Sorry, we are You're Welcome, and No Problem.
We are clothes sunning and bleaching on a line between July and September.


We are hockey lovers with hope- every season...every year, on the asphalt or an arena.
We are Yonge St. and Robson St. and George St. and Rue St. Catherine.
We are an Okanagan vineyard, and Molson Canadian, and Mill St.Organic Beer.
We are The Hudson's Bay Company's blue, yellow, red and green stripes... 1670 to now.
We are the mosaic- and you are welcome to live here.

We believe that rights are streamlined- from gay marriage to health care.
We believe in music- from dive bar indy cover bands, to a lesbian prairie girl with the voice of an angel.
We believe in Christian values...and Buddhist values...and Muslim values, and Be a Good Person values.
We believe in a greater connection- and that if we can just take care of each other- we'll all be good.
We believe in our own contribution to the world- without attitude..but also without apology.

Ask me what I am proudest of being- and there could be so many answers I boomerang back to you. But now, at this time of year, where we swell with the pride of being in this corner of the world...and belonging here, I will tell you,

                                                                I. AM. CANADIAN.

 

Recharge

My phone battery is always depleting at a very rapid rate.

 It's annoying.

 I can unplug it in the morning before swinging at the day, and usually by mid afternoon it needs a plug in. All of those things running in the background- apps, programs....they're slowly and silently draining it's ability to perform.

We are the same. I am the same. A billion obligations, commitments, stresses and ways we're stretched beyond our personal limits...and the next thing we know...we are running close to the red line of empty.

Figuring life out is an interesting project. Committing to happiness and completeness and peace isn't popular, because, after all, we are supposed to be living up to "her" trip to Italy, and "his" new shiny car..."their" monster house, that strangers beautiful....whatever. Whatever it is...we're focusing on the highlight reel of others lives, and benchmarking our humdrum everyday against it. And as we whip around quickly, and catch a glimpse of our life right now...it's just not good enough. So we try...and we diminish...and we run out.

I was in BC last October...I went to Whistler on my own and had 36 hours of quiet. It wasn't what I thought it would be. I enjoyed the moments of "doing"...and cringed at the moments of trying to turn my mind off. I had nowhere to be...I was at the base of the most beautiful mountains in the world on a glorious Fall day...and I felt like I had to get going. I had to keep moving, keep busy...and get out of there. The thought of being still and soaking it all  in...it felt wrong and entirely too indulgent. So I forced myself to sit cross legged in a daffodil yellow Muskoka chair...and to breathe. To absorb. To be present in the warmth of the sunshine....and unapologetic about the choice. The apology felt like it should be from me...to me.

Jenn, I'm sorry for polluting your mind with a loop of inadequacy and sadness. Jenn, I am sorry for stretching you to accept those moments of untruth to yourself and your future. Jenn, I promise I will be kinder, more real and less critical. I promise that if you wouldn't say it to someone you love...that I'll try not to say it to you.

Shut off the background. be fully charged, and do things that increase energy. Be surrounded by people who feed positivity and vision. Create. Love. Don't let others tap into the energy without permission.

Be here. Fully. Because any other way is a disservice.

I Won't Apologize...

When the world feels heavy, or maybe human frailty is just a little more top of mind, I am reminded of the things that I know to be true.

In times of feeling inadequate, or questioned, or scrutinized, I love a perfectly placed reminder of each persons beauty and unique contribution to this planet. Sometimes, the reminders to be true to yourself propel you into the honesty of your being...and you make a list of things you're not going to apologize for.

This is mine.

1. I won't apologize for being kind. Some see it as weakness, some see it as a fault... I don't care- I choose to be kind whenever possible.
2. I won't apologize for loving all things girly- I love makeup and clothes and laughing at inside jokes with my friends, and singing into a hairbrush, and taking goofy pictures. I love smelling good, and getting my nails done. I'll never be a tomboy, sporty, competitive chick...and I like that about me.
3. I won't apologize for moving forward. I've long ago learned, that mulling over the past just steals precious moments from my present and future. So, if it's not working, or has stopped serving my happiness...I step forward, and don't look back.
4. I won't apologize for being a slow runner. So many people have asked me about my time, or my process when I run. I'll never be a competitive runner because I do it for me.
5. I won't apologize for telling people to mind their own business, or to treat me with respect.
6. I won't apologize for loving my family, and spending a lot of time with them. They are my world.
7. I won't apologize for being single. It's not a disease- it's a time in my life.
8. I won't apologize for having wanderlust. I love this world...and not seeing it isn't an option. Maybe that makes me less settled than most...maybe it makes me less rooted...or maybe it leaves me open to opportunity and adventure.
9. I won't ever apologize for being an average sized woman. I refuse to buy into the media's insistance that I need to be emaciated and ripped. I accept the body I live in...it's an amazing place. When I treat it with respect, I feel even better...and that's part of my process in life.
10. I won't apologize for trying to kill my inner cynic. It's hard work to look at a world where children are shot, bombs go off at a marathon and people celebrate the shortcomings of others. To remain optimistic and positive is essential to a fulfilling life. I could hate this world. I could live in fear. I could- but I won't.
11. I won't apologize for being true to my convictions, and 100% steadfast in what I believe. I believe in God, I believe in justice, I believe in mercy. I believe I know a mere shred of His goodness and plans for me. I believe that trusting Him is the best way to live my life.
12. I won't apologize for choosing to travel through life by way of happiness and peace. Life isn't controllable, and it's so impermanent- so I choose. I choose to be happy at all costs.
13. I won't apologize for seeking authenticity. Living life on the surface serves no one. I seek real people to surround myself with...brilliant, flawed and honest. Those who are journeying fearlessly through life...I like to think those are my people.

What's on your list?

xx

3 Years Later

Dear Michael~

It's time again. It's time to put my mind in reverse, and to remember when you left us.

It's everso different this year. I am sure every year will have it's own imprint- it will be unique and singular. So much is learned in 365 days....or 730 days...or 1095 days...1 year, 2 years....3 whole years.

 We'd be different people if you had stayed...we'd be closer to 40 than 30, you would have hopefully, finally, ridden yourself of that flip phone- you'd be nearly 3 years employed at a job I know you loved. Things would be different....we- would be different.

The world is different now, you know. Things seem to be speeding up. The lessons I've learned about slowing down and being present in each precious moment likely wouldn't have been absorbed or observed as deeply had you stayed. It all matters- the people, the moments...the little ones who are learning everyday...it's all out in front of me, and us...

the left behind.

I've learned to live with no answers. I've learned to embrace the "why" like a close friend. I've learned to live with grief, and to accept its companionship at moments expected, and those when I am shocked at my frailty. A sound, a smell...cigarette smoke hanging in the air...the you and me conversations that I replay like a favourite song.

I accept the man you were. I accept how you lived your life and did what you could to become emancipated from the demons. I accept the neverending efforts you threw out to the universe in hopes of being a game changer. I accept your absolute brokeness and rebuilding into a beautifully flawed, charismatic, complex man. I accept that you did what you could, with what you had...where you were, in those moments of choice. I accept the "why" as my friend...and I love you, stored away safe, in a guarded, warm and inpenetrable part of my heart and my life.

The scar is evident. I don't escape you. I try to be free from the memories...I try to forget, and to say I don't care. I say I can't care. I hold myself now to the benchmark of my limits, and not who I think you were trying to be. Perhaps there are those of us who have tried to impact the world in the Michael way...because we don't want to let you go. This year has taught me that it's time...to let the Michael signature be honoured for where it is....3 years ago. And that's okay- moving forward isn't a forgetting as I have fought against...it's just an admission that the fight to keep you here is done.

I don't speak for the we...I speak for me...and I say with tears..

be free my friend.

Be out there behind us...like a silent but ever present shadow. Be ahead of us, reminding us of what this life really is about.

You'll always be my Mikey...and I'll always be your Jenn with 2 n's.

xo

Higher

We trust. We believe. We have white knuckled hope and belief that the God we believe in will answer our prayers...and that His answer will be Yes.

We hold on tight...til the end with that mustard seed faith and peace in our hearts; our trust being stretched to what seems to be snap back proportions. The emotions rise and fall like breath itself....

and then it stops. Then it is just over...and a new journey begins.

Faith is fascinating to me. Being a person of such a description, I can tell you that the pathway is often clouded with vapour, and winding....winding into places of unknown depths of self, of life, and of eternity. Being a person of faith allows a certain assured kind of shelter in seasons of monsoon. Life whips around you with destructive intent...and the One who holds you in the palm of His hand assures...

My ways are higher.

And there He holds me, and us, and any who will choose to believe. He holds us above our circumstances, He holds us tightly through our circumstances...and He stands beside us to endure our circumstances. While His answer may appear to be No to that which you've hoped for....for yourself, or someone you love...or someone you gave birth to and nurtured til their dying breath, I have to believe that the very maker of each and every one of our spectacular souls,

 knows.

Knows the end of the story from the beginning, knows the depths that He will walk through with us, and still, assures quietly and sometimes with the likes of a starters bugle...

I am here for you. I am FOR you.

Today I choose to believe this. I am challenged everyday to believe this. I fail at believing...over and over...and over again, and still, He loves me, and walks with me. I trust His higher ways, and I believe He is conspiring for my good.

For those I knew a long time ago, who buried their 11 year old daughter today, I pray that the shelter of peace will be palpable and gentle. I pray that the God we know will show you the miracles of who He is...everyday...every moment. I pray that everyday will continue to be a marvel for you and your family. May you be amazed daily. You are loved.

Just Breathe

Breath. Breathing. Breathe.

It's crucial, and yet, it's automatic. It's absolutely essential to life, but it's rarely pondered unless you're an athlete, someone working to relieve stress...or someone who is dying.

I used to be skeptical and quite cynical towards those people who say, "just breathe" when life gets tough or hectic or unmanageable. Secretly, on the inside, I wanted to tell them where to go, how to get there, who to meet when they check in, and what to order on the menu. I didn't buy it.

                                                                                    At all.

But as with so many things in life that we learn, we either choose to open up to something new, or we are forced to face the newness anyway with resistance and resentment. I am learning...the first one is way easier for everyone. Being defiant to learning new things is really just an unyielding to change, don't you think?

I have found my breath. It couldn't have come at a better time. Everyone has stress, and deals with it in their own unique ways.... mine has always leaned towards being introverted and introspective. It's something I have chosen to work on...and it's hard. It's very hard. It's hard to change who you've always been.

So it came back to a rebirth. It came back to the beginning...and that place where all I have to do is commit to one thing.

To breathe.

It's restored focus. It's restored peace. It's allowed me to be a kinder human being. Kinder in life, and to those I do life with...and mostly, to myself. It's healing with each calculated inhale...and exhale, and it clears my mind of the daily information hurricane.

I allow it to be a prayer. I allow it to be an expression between myself and my Creator. I allow it to be an outward expression of my gratitude, and am mindful that each breath surely has purpose, has restoration in it's very fibre...and is a measurement of my life.

xo