It's like watching a storm role in. You see it on the horizon...you feel the air change and whip around you... you feel tension in the atmosphere, and you want to head for safety.
It's like hearing about a terrible accident on the radio, and knowing that is the exact route you are driving on...you have to approach it, look at it, drive past it and let it into your consciousness for a brief time.
It's just the same as remembering where you were when you first found out about 9/11... where you were when you found out Princess Diana had perished in a highspeed car chase... where you were when you heard about the Tsunami, the Haiti Earthquake... Hurricane Katrina.
My hurricane...my tsunami...my earthquake is this Sunday. It will force me to review a year... and to let the grief in again. It will jolt me awake early, with aggression and brute force. It will slap an expiration date on the last year, and taunt me...it will flash like a sign in my consciousness...
He's been gone for 1 year.
The wish in my heart is not to have Michael back. I know he is unthinkably happy. I know he is whole, and has conquered his struggles. I know God saw my dear friend that early morning, and called him home for something greater... something so great that my feeble human mind struggles to find meaning in. I know this last year has had moments of such unbelievable coincidence and joy, that I am left to believe, those moments were truly orchestrated by my friend...to tell us he is ok.
I wish him here for selfish reasons..for human reasons. Selfishly, I want to see his sheer disbelief... I want to see the pride swell inside him.. I want to know he has seen the unspeakable love, the selfless acts..the sacrifice of many hours of sleep...the tide of tears, both joyous and grievous to serve those he loved and had a passion for. I want to see the smirk on his face and him shaking his head as he overhears conversations between people who were strangers a mere year ago. I want to assure him, with all that I am...and all that I have...that his legacy has JUST begun, and that he too, can "trust the bigger picture".
So to my dearest friend... may you smile when you see what your world has become in the last year. May you laugh that raspy, full hearted belly laugh when you see some of the antics we have all gotten up to. May you sit back on a lawn chair with a triple/triple, and watch your nephews discover an amazing world. I pray you will find yourself in our dreams...both awake and asleep, as you lead us into new and wonderful opportunities that only YOU could have inspired.
And all of those things you hoped for? Michael's Hope is on the horizon....and I know the Boy On the Hill is watching over me...and us...and an indescribable destiny.
Miss you kiddo. xo