Tuesday, April 30, 2013


My phone battery is always depleting at a very rapid rate.

 It's annoying.

 I can unplug it in the morning before swinging at the day, and usually by mid afternoon it needs a plug in. All of those things running in the background- apps, programs....they're slowly and silently draining it's ability to perform.

We are the same. I am the same. A billion obligations, commitments, stresses and ways we're stretched beyond our personal limits...and the next thing we know...we are running close to the red line of empty.

Figuring life out is an interesting project. Committing to happiness and completeness and peace isn't popular, because, after all, we are supposed to be living up to "her" trip to Italy, and "his" new shiny car..."their" monster house, that strangers beautiful....whatever. Whatever it is...we're focusing on the highlight reel of others lives, and benchmarking our humdrum everyday against it. And as we whip around quickly, and catch a glimpse of our life right now...it's just not good enough. So we try...and we diminish...and we run out.

I was in BC last October...I went to Whistler on my own and had 36 hours of quiet. It wasn't what I thought it would be. I enjoyed the moments of "doing"...and cringed at the moments of trying to turn my mind off. I had nowhere to be...I was at the base of the most beautiful mountains in the world on a glorious Fall day...and I felt like I had to get going. I had to keep moving, keep busy...and get out of there. The thought of being still and soaking it all  in...it felt wrong and entirely too indulgent. So I forced myself to sit cross legged in a daffodil yellow Muskoka chair...and to breathe. To absorb. To be present in the warmth of the sunshine....and unapologetic about the choice. The apology felt like it should be from me...to me.

Jenn, I'm sorry for polluting your mind with a loop of inadequacy and sadness. Jenn, I am sorry for stretching you to accept those moments of untruth to yourself and your future. Jenn, I promise I will be kinder, more real and less critical. I promise that if you wouldn't say it to someone you love...that I'll try not to say it to you.

Shut off the background. be fully charged, and do things that increase energy. Be surrounded by people who feed positivity and vision. Create. Love. Don't let others tap into the energy without permission.

Be here. Fully. Because any other way is a disservice.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

I Won't Apologize...

When the world feels heavy, or maybe human frailty is just a little more top of mind, I am reminded of the things that I know to be true.

In times of feeling inadequate, or questioned, or scrutinized, I love a perfectly placed reminder of each persons beauty and unique contribution to this planet. Sometimes, the reminders to be true to yourself propel you into the honesty of your being...and you make a list of things you're not going to apologize for.

This is mine.

1. I won't apologize for being kind. Some see it as weakness, some see it as a fault... I don't care- I choose to be kind whenever possible.
2. I won't apologize for loving all things girly- I love makeup and clothes and laughing at inside jokes with my friends, and singing into a hairbrush, and taking goofy pictures. I love smelling good, and getting my nails done. I'll never be a tomboy, sporty, competitive chick...and I like that about me.
3. I won't apologize for moving forward. I've long ago learned, that mulling over the past just steals precious moments from my present and future. So, if it's not working, or has stopped serving my happiness...I step forward, and don't look back.
4. I won't apologize for being a slow runner. So many people have asked me about my time, or my process when I run. I'll never be a competitive runner because I do it for me.
5. I won't apologize for telling people to mind their own business, or to treat me with respect.
6. I won't apologize for loving my family, and spending a lot of time with them. They are my world.
7. I won't apologize for being single. It's not a disease- it's a time in my life.
8. I won't apologize for having wanderlust. I love this world...and not seeing it isn't an option. Maybe that makes me less settled than most...maybe it makes me less rooted...or maybe it leaves me open to opportunity and adventure.
9. I won't ever apologize for being an average sized woman. I refuse to buy into the media's insistance that I need to be emaciated and ripped. I accept the body I live in...it's an amazing place. When I treat it with respect, I feel even better...and that's part of my process in life.
10. I won't apologize for trying to kill my inner cynic. It's hard work to look at a world where children are shot, bombs go off at a marathon and people celebrate the shortcomings of others. To remain optimistic and positive is essential to a fulfilling life. I could hate this world. I could live in fear. I could- but I won't.
11. I won't apologize for being true to my convictions, and 100% steadfast in what I believe. I believe in God, I believe in justice, I believe in mercy. I believe I know a mere shred of His goodness and plans for me. I believe that trusting Him is the best way to live my life.
12. I won't apologize for choosing to travel through life by way of happiness and peace. Life isn't controllable, and it's so impermanent- so I choose. I choose to be happy at all costs.
13. I won't apologize for seeking authenticity. Living life on the surface serves no one. I seek real people to surround myself with...brilliant, flawed and honest. Those who are journeying fearlessly through life...I like to think those are my people.

What's on your list?