It's time again. It's time to put my mind in reverse, and to remember when you left us.
It's everso different this year. I am sure every year will have it's own imprint- it will be unique and singular. So much is learned in 365 days....or 730 days...or 1095 days...1 year, 2 years....3 whole years.
We'd be different people if you had stayed...we'd be closer to 40 than 30, you would have hopefully, finally, ridden yourself of that flip phone- you'd be nearly 3 years employed at a job I know you loved. Things would be different....we- would be different.
The world is different now, you know. Things seem to be speeding up. The lessons I've learned about slowing down and being present in each precious moment likely wouldn't have been absorbed or observed as deeply had you stayed. It all matters- the people, the moments...the little ones who are learning everyday...it's all out in front of me, and us...
the left behind.
I've learned to live with no answers. I've learned to embrace the "why" like a close friend. I've learned to live with grief, and to accept its companionship at moments expected, and those when I am shocked at my frailty. A sound, a smell...cigarette smoke hanging in the air...the you and me conversations that I replay like a favourite song.
I accept the man you were. I accept how you lived your life and did what you could to become emancipated from the demons. I accept the neverending efforts you threw out to the universe in hopes of being a game changer. I accept your absolute brokeness and rebuilding into a beautifully flawed, charismatic, complex man. I accept that you did what you could, with what you had...where you were, in those moments of choice. I accept the "why" as my friend...and I love you, stored away safe, in a guarded, warm and inpenetrable part of my heart and my life.
The scar is evident. I don't escape you. I try to be free from the memories...I try to forget, and to say I don't care. I say I can't care. I hold myself now to the benchmark of my limits, and not who I think you were trying to be. Perhaps there are those of us who have tried to impact the world in the Michael way...because we don't want to let you go. This year has taught me that it's time...to let the Michael signature be honoured for where it is....3 years ago. And that's okay- moving forward isn't a forgetting as I have fought against...it's just an admission that the fight to keep you here is done.
I don't speak for the we...I speak for me...and I say with tears..
be free my friend.
Be out there behind us...like a silent but ever present shadow. Be ahead of us, reminding us of what this life really is about.
You'll always be my Mikey...and I'll always be your Jenn with 2 n's.