Tuesday, April 30, 2013


My phone battery is always depleting at a very rapid rate.

 It's annoying.

 I can unplug it in the morning before swinging at the day, and usually by mid afternoon it needs a plug in. All of those things running in the background- apps, programs....they're slowly and silently draining it's ability to perform.

We are the same. I am the same. A billion obligations, commitments, stresses and ways we're stretched beyond our personal limits...and the next thing we know...we are running close to the red line of empty.

Figuring life out is an interesting project. Committing to happiness and completeness and peace isn't popular, because, after all, we are supposed to be living up to "her" trip to Italy, and "his" new shiny car..."their" monster house, that strangers beautiful....whatever. Whatever it is...we're focusing on the highlight reel of others lives, and benchmarking our humdrum everyday against it. And as we whip around quickly, and catch a glimpse of our life right now...it's just not good enough. So we try...and we diminish...and we run out.

I was in BC last October...I went to Whistler on my own and had 36 hours of quiet. It wasn't what I thought it would be. I enjoyed the moments of "doing"...and cringed at the moments of trying to turn my mind off. I had nowhere to be...I was at the base of the most beautiful mountains in the world on a glorious Fall day...and I felt like I had to get going. I had to keep moving, keep busy...and get out of there. The thought of being still and soaking it all  in...it felt wrong and entirely too indulgent. So I forced myself to sit cross legged in a daffodil yellow Muskoka chair...and to breathe. To absorb. To be present in the warmth of the sunshine....and unapologetic about the choice. The apology felt like it should be from me...to me.

Jenn, I'm sorry for polluting your mind with a loop of inadequacy and sadness. Jenn, I am sorry for stretching you to accept those moments of untruth to yourself and your future. Jenn, I promise I will be kinder, more real and less critical. I promise that if you wouldn't say it to someone you love...that I'll try not to say it to you.

Shut off the background. be fully charged, and do things that increase energy. Be surrounded by people who feed positivity and vision. Create. Love. Don't let others tap into the energy without permission.

Be here. Fully. Because any other way is a disservice.

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