The Runner

Think of the thing that most scares you, and you will have found yourself in my Adidas pink and grey trainers a number of months ago. Throughout my whole life, there have been vapoured limits. Limits imposed by society...by my peers, by my very insecure self.

You're not smart enough.
You're not thin enough.
You're not wealthy enough.
You're certainly not fit enough.

I bought a pair of proper running shoes years ago. I didn't know I  had bought "running" shoes, until I looked the model up online recently, just to see what the heck I've been putting my feet into. Sure enough, this non-runner had the makings of destiny at her feet...waiting to be stepped into...

and forward.

Forward into a life where I don't give a damn about what you think I am capable of. Forward into a life where I am no longer the hopeless fat girl from highschool, because I run 5-10k four times a week. Forward into the race of one....the race of WON.

Trying is scary. So I set my own pace...I run for me...and I run for the girls I see everyday who are special and unique and beautifully unusual, the ones people don't care to understand, or the ones who drown in the lonliness of not being "normal".

My hope for them and for all of us really, is for us to realise that life is to be run in our own lane, without too much adherence to the negative darts of disillusionment that fly by everyday. We keep running, we aim to be better...we breathe air into our own lungs, we perspire our own sweat, and we achieve our own small and monumental goals.

Why? Because we can.

I am a runner. YES, I am.

Fragile Freedom

Take a deep breath.

Breath is something we take for granted. Clearly, claiming a breath is something we do every few moments out of necessity and automatically. When that innate signal ceases we will fade from vibrancy into memory.

There is a balance of elements in life that finitely determines our existence. Should oxygen and CO2 get tangled and lose their proportions, life as we know it would instantly change, and we'd be gone.

But with all of lifes uncertainty, seemingly unparalleled unfairness and horrible injustice, I am confident in the questionless points in life.

Good is everywhere. Expecting good actually changes your soul and the way you fit into the world. Expecting bigger, more beautiful things out of life propels you into possibility. That bottomless wishing well of chances, fullfillment and joy spills over so you don't even have to peek inside. Your feet will be immersed in the run off of life's promises. It starts with your glorious ability to use the most powerful word in our language (in my humble opinion) and that is:

Choice.

The beauty of choice, is that it has no stamped expiration date. Choosing to finally change, choosing to finally forgive, choosing to be kind in the face of aggression, and choosing to claim your own peace...all of these actions are valuable the first time, the tenth time...and the last time. They matter. They always matter. Not exercising these intuitive instincts is as a result of one thing:

Fear.

To stay in a bad situation is believing the lies...that we've told ourselves...and that have been projected onto us. Choosing to live in unforgiveness harms the the unforgiving much more than the unforgiven. The unforgiving fears a loss of control. Choosing to face aggression with kindness goes against our natural instincts, but I assure you, soft words turn away wrath. (Proverbs 15:1)

Choosing your own peace is the lesson that serves the greatest personal reward. It actually allows the reclaiming of your life. It's hard. It's VERY hard. Choosing to release control of other peoples reactions and actions, and focusing on your own responses only is like loving the orchestra, but choosing to close your eyes and only listen with a headset. Realizing, your response to the situation, and your feelings from the situation are all that matter at the end of the day. Fear will tell you you need to own it all... peace will whisper, "you're truth is all that matters...and you only have to say it ONCE."

Your freedom lays in your hands. It breathes, and lives...and deeply inhales hope...hope that you will create something timeless everyday no matter the size or the measure. It lies fragile, and full of anticipation...and it completely trusts you and that you're doing the best you can right now...and if you're not, don't worry...it knows you're trying and you will get there.

“Freedom is fragile and must be protected. To sacrifice it, even as a temporary measure, is to betray it.”

Phoenix

Dear P.~

The road has arrived. The spinning, unsettled wandering has halted. You have caught your balance, steadied your stance, fixed your eyes on a point on the horizon...and you have begun. Begun to walk.

The lost? It's over.
The hurt? It's dying...and being compensated with unending fullfillment.
The anger? It doesn't have to protect you anymore...you can lay it down and let complete healing begin.

The life you have known, the past that chased you for so long, and pursued you with the intention of consuming you...it's finished. Those hard edges that provided an insurance of sorts...a sure fire way of keeping good out, they're slowly chipping away...crumbling and revealing what they have been so carefully concealing...

An immeasurably valuable masterpiece.

Don't be afraid, dear one. You're braver than you even know. You're infinitely stronger than you could ever fathom. I promise you that your life is out in front of you...and not behind you. All of the underground wishes in the deepest part of your heart for the life you want- they're out there and they're now pursuing you. You'll be amazed. Those things that have made your heart hopelessly thirsty...those real desires for an extraordinary life...they'll creep in, one by one.

And you'll be ready.

Feel it all. Don't run from the real. Take your stance. Whether it be on your tiptoes reaching, looking your demons in the eye and being able to conclusively dismiss them...or on your knees, mindful of the fact that you've layed down the biggest battle of your life...and in doing so...you've won. Feel it. Don't wish away the process. Embrace the fragile beauty of brokenness. Spark those dry and whithered parts inside, and set ablaze all of the pain, crippling disappointment and unending defeat.

It's done.

The rebuild is now. The ashes are glowing...and the phoenix is emerging.

We're imeasurably blessed to bear witness to it.

J. & T.

The Leap

The leap.

Close your eyes....hard. Cross your fingers...tight. Take a deep breath...fully. Exhale slowly.

Jump.

It's in those moments of decision, that I believe, your life is created...right in front of your eyes. It doesn't mean it's clear. Not by a long, random shot. But it does mean that you've somehow flung faith out like a boomerang...and have begun to see the comeback.

It's also about doing those things that make little, to no sense to others. It's about surviving brutal scrutiny, mere patches of support, and championing what appears to be a lost or losing cause. It's doing what is non negotiable to you...at the risk of being inauthentic to your convictions for the rest of your life.

Being an innovator can be a lonely venture. Surveillance of actions and behaviours seem to be more scrutinized than any normal, daily activity. Why? Because it's not expected behaviour. It's following your heart while wielding a blade that clears the brush of a completely untrodden path. The excitement of discovery is exhilarating...the work is tireless...but it's worth it. It's all worth it, because it's a masterpiece in the making. What it is, is undecided....until the decision begs being made...and YOU make it.

My journey is as much on the outside, as the inside. My work has found me...my passion has been ignited. I challenge you to find something that makes you feel useful, to feel purposeful...and to feel gloriously alight. So many people talk about finding their purpose...and I am solely convinced....

You don't find your purpose...it's on the inside of you, and is waiting to be detonated.

The first step?

The scariest.

The first step?

Is one of the best ways to feel ultimately ALIVE.

Masterpiece

The conversations bear weight. They tip the scales on fluffy, light, airy chats....and shoot directly for the blazing target in the distance.

The heart.

The soul.

The challenges that invade life without permission...or apology. The helpless ones who stand empty handed and bewildered with spinning reality. The wounded who whisper for a lifeline..while life swirls around..and threatens to consume.

We stand in the gap. All of us do, at different times. We listen...we advise...we console and defend. Sometimes...we lead. We do so by creating the way for someone who just can't anymore...

can't stay the same... anymore.
can't face the day... anymore.
can't bear the grief... anymore.
can't believe the lies... anymore.

We spread our own personal brand of magic over a life shattered...and with great care, reassemble the dust-like shards of devastation...and help someone build. The action isn't grand...the action is not overt...most often..the action is as simple as a conversation.

We save each other. We do this everyday...we learn from each other, and grow from each other...and create our new perspectives, because of each other. It's a pretty powerful thing...to contribute to the shaping of the formless, into a masterpiece. We all create...we all have good blooming inside of us...

I believe we're all creating ourselves while we create each other. What a gift. What a miracle. What a priviledge it is, for God to drop people into our lives...and to recognize it.

The Grace Effect

It's a gusty, frigid Saturday morning. The view out the window to my right is bright and white. Overnight, the world as I know it has been blanketed, and frozen in time. The deep freeze is unexpected...it was forcasted for another time, but arrived fashionably late to the party. We wait for the rebirth...for the promise of Spring, and growth..and new life.

The access routes of my life will need to be cleared...ie: I will need to shovel the driveway and the stairs to my front door. I need to do it for my own safety and, of course, passage out into the world. But also...I need to clear the sidewalk, so others can safely pass by on their daily journey. In essence, what I clear for myself, I also, inadvertently, clear for others as well.

It's not enjoyable...to heave heavy snow...to endure whipping cold winds, and to clear the path. It's often thankless, and would seem pointless in a way...as it's just going to throw down snow again, anyway. After all... you're going to have to go out there again anyway tomorrow, a few days from now, or next week to do it all over again.

Sometimes...that thankless job is a place to demonstrate a glimpse of good. Taking on the temporary challenge of lifting someone elses load...and clearing the way for them to get safely where they need to go. Because this world can seem so utterly void of connection..and compassion...and basic kindness, the act can be shocking to the recipient.

The challenge is not to get discouraged. With the unending precipitation...or the burden of the lifting...or with a silent response to kindness. The challenge is to DO, because you CAN, not because you're expecting a return, or a response. The weight of your character lies in the willingness to act, not in expecting a response.

And when the burden becomes too much...in shovelling snow...in the giving...in the negative responses to life...I believe, His Grace is enough for me. He calls me to act...not to worry. He calls me to be a person of action..even when the well seems dry. When I say I am weak, He says, " My child, I've got this"...and I know my cares are in His safekeeping.

He COVERS all. He SEES all. He KNOWS all. He PLANS all. He BEARS all. What have I to fear?

My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness. Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness.

2 Corinthians 12:9

A Prayer for the Lost Ones

I'm watching the 54th Annual Grammy Awards. The hours between February 12th, and 13th are quickly closing...1 hour, 41 minutes, and an anniversary will be upon me again...one which changed the course of my life forever, 2 years ago.

I am watching with more intent tonight than other years. I am usually quite bored by now, and am deciding to crawl into bed. But tonight, an incredible talent...a trail blazing pioneer for African American women...a superstar, an idol...a mother, and a daughter is being honoured.

Fair enough that a legend be honoured. Not unexpected for her to be recognized for her unmatched contributions to music and film. Celebrities love to honour each other for greatness and unparalleled skill...and even for overcoming unthinkable odds.

Whitney didn't overcome. Whitney, the breathtakingly beautiful, unrivaled voice of a generation...Whitney, the church choir songbird died alone in a hotel room in Hollywood. She brazenly taunted addiction for years, and last night, it devoured her...wholly, completely, and quietly.

I have heard varying commentaries on her death. From tears to indifference...and grief to anger, all emotions from one pole to the other have been expressed. I by no means think that people aren't entitled to their opinions, or their right to share them. But I will venture a guess, anyone with a calloused, hard, flippant comment or opinion hasn't ever loved and lost someone to addiction.

Addiction doesn't start out as such. It is a romancer of sorts. It often courts patiently, quietly and methodically. It fills a void. It whittles off the sharp edges, and it creates a need for habitual intimacy. It alienates and segregates....like an abusive, controlling lover. It seeks to consume, with consumption. It doesn't care about your position in life...who you're married to, who your father is, or what your bank account is... it's completely out for itself...and it takes no prisoners. It lies and deludes...and it makes tragic memories of incredible, broken and stained people.

The lost ones. Wealthy and famous....nameless and penniless...they are the same. They fall into the same short life club. Addiction is not reserved for junkies or losers, freaks or screw ups. It finds all kinds of people...talented, charismatic, loved, compassionate people...mothers, fathers, daughters, sons...cousins, friends, nieces, nephews...people you know, and people you hear about. They share life with you...and if they don't...trust me, they will, or they do so without your knowledge.

My prayer, for every addict, is for them to find compassion, and to find peace - inside of their life here on earth. I pray that their race from the demons that pursue them will be conquered...just one day at a time. I pray that they will find the answers...the why's to the unanswered questions of their pasts, and that they will live out life with purpose and healing. I pray that they will find support and strength...I pray that they find Hope.

Dum Spero Spiro ~ While I breathe, I Hope.

Hope will rise tomorrow...for the lost ones will find their way. And I'm going to be a part of it however I can.

Keeping my promises to you MB, always. xo