I Won't Apologize...

When the world feels heavy, or maybe human frailty is just a little more top of mind, I am reminded of the things that I know to be true.

In times of feeling inadequate, or questioned, or scrutinized, I love a perfectly placed reminder of each persons beauty and unique contribution to this planet. Sometimes, the reminders to be true to yourself propel you into the honesty of your being...and you make a list of things you're not going to apologize for.

This is mine.

1. I won't apologize for being kind. Some see it as weakness, some see it as a fault... I don't care- I choose to be kind whenever possible.
2. I won't apologize for loving all things girly- I love makeup and clothes and laughing at inside jokes with my friends, and singing into a hairbrush, and taking goofy pictures. I love smelling good, and getting my nails done. I'll never be a tomboy, sporty, competitive chick...and I like that about me.
3. I won't apologize for moving forward. I've long ago learned, that mulling over the past just steals precious moments from my present and future. So, if it's not working, or has stopped serving my happiness...I step forward, and don't look back.
4. I won't apologize for being a slow runner. So many people have asked me about my time, or my process when I run. I'll never be a competitive runner because I do it for me.
5. I won't apologize for telling people to mind their own business, or to treat me with respect.
6. I won't apologize for loving my family, and spending a lot of time with them. They are my world.
7. I won't apologize for being single. It's not a disease- it's a time in my life.
8. I won't apologize for having wanderlust. I love this world...and not seeing it isn't an option. Maybe that makes me less settled than most...maybe it makes me less rooted...or maybe it leaves me open to opportunity and adventure.
9. I won't ever apologize for being an average sized woman. I refuse to buy into the media's insistance that I need to be emaciated and ripped. I accept the body I live in...it's an amazing place. When I treat it with respect, I feel even better...and that's part of my process in life.
10. I won't apologize for trying to kill my inner cynic. It's hard work to look at a world where children are shot, bombs go off at a marathon and people celebrate the shortcomings of others. To remain optimistic and positive is essential to a fulfilling life. I could hate this world. I could live in fear. I could- but I won't.
11. I won't apologize for being true to my convictions, and 100% steadfast in what I believe. I believe in God, I believe in justice, I believe in mercy. I believe I know a mere shred of His goodness and plans for me. I believe that trusting Him is the best way to live my life.
12. I won't apologize for choosing to travel through life by way of happiness and peace. Life isn't controllable, and it's so impermanent- so I choose. I choose to be happy at all costs.
13. I won't apologize for seeking authenticity. Living life on the surface serves no one. I seek real people to surround myself with...brilliant, flawed and honest. Those who are journeying fearlessly through life...I like to think those are my people.

What's on your list?

xx

3 Years Later

Dear Michael~

It's time again. It's time to put my mind in reverse, and to remember when you left us.

It's everso different this year. I am sure every year will have it's own imprint- it will be unique and singular. So much is learned in 365 days....or 730 days...or 1095 days...1 year, 2 years....3 whole years.

 We'd be different people if you had stayed...we'd be closer to 40 than 30, you would have hopefully, finally, ridden yourself of that flip phone- you'd be nearly 3 years employed at a job I know you loved. Things would be different....we- would be different.

The world is different now, you know. Things seem to be speeding up. The lessons I've learned about slowing down and being present in each precious moment likely wouldn't have been absorbed or observed as deeply had you stayed. It all matters- the people, the moments...the little ones who are learning everyday...it's all out in front of me, and us...

the left behind.

I've learned to live with no answers. I've learned to embrace the "why" like a close friend. I've learned to live with grief, and to accept its companionship at moments expected, and those when I am shocked at my frailty. A sound, a smell...cigarette smoke hanging in the air...the you and me conversations that I replay like a favourite song.

I accept the man you were. I accept how you lived your life and did what you could to become emancipated from the demons. I accept the neverending efforts you threw out to the universe in hopes of being a game changer. I accept your absolute brokeness and rebuilding into a beautifully flawed, charismatic, complex man. I accept that you did what you could, with what you had...where you were, in those moments of choice. I accept the "why" as my friend...and I love you, stored away safe, in a guarded, warm and inpenetrable part of my heart and my life.

The scar is evident. I don't escape you. I try to be free from the memories...I try to forget, and to say I don't care. I say I can't care. I hold myself now to the benchmark of my limits, and not who I think you were trying to be. Perhaps there are those of us who have tried to impact the world in the Michael way...because we don't want to let you go. This year has taught me that it's time...to let the Michael signature be honoured for where it is....3 years ago. And that's okay- moving forward isn't a forgetting as I have fought against...it's just an admission that the fight to keep you here is done.

I don't speak for the we...I speak for me...and I say with tears..

be free my friend.

Be out there behind us...like a silent but ever present shadow. Be ahead of us, reminding us of what this life really is about.

You'll always be my Mikey...and I'll always be your Jenn with 2 n's.

xo

Higher

We trust. We believe. We have white knuckled hope and belief that the God we believe in will answer our prayers...and that His answer will be Yes.

We hold on tight...til the end with that mustard seed faith and peace in our hearts; our trust being stretched to what seems to be snap back proportions. The emotions rise and fall like breath itself....

and then it stops. Then it is just over...and a new journey begins.

Faith is fascinating to me. Being a person of such a description, I can tell you that the pathway is often clouded with vapour, and winding....winding into places of unknown depths of self, of life, and of eternity. Being a person of faith allows a certain assured kind of shelter in seasons of monsoon. Life whips around you with destructive intent...and the One who holds you in the palm of His hand assures...

My ways are higher.

And there He holds me, and us, and any who will choose to believe. He holds us above our circumstances, He holds us tightly through our circumstances...and He stands beside us to endure our circumstances. While His answer may appear to be No to that which you've hoped for....for yourself, or someone you love...or someone you gave birth to and nurtured til their dying breath, I have to believe that the very maker of each and every one of our spectacular souls,

 knows.

Knows the end of the story from the beginning, knows the depths that He will walk through with us, and still, assures quietly and sometimes with the likes of a starters bugle...

I am here for you. I am FOR you.

Today I choose to believe this. I am challenged everyday to believe this. I fail at believing...over and over...and over again, and still, He loves me, and walks with me. I trust His higher ways, and I believe He is conspiring for my good.

For those I knew a long time ago, who buried their 11 year old daughter today, I pray that the shelter of peace will be palpable and gentle. I pray that the God we know will show you the miracles of who He is...everyday...every moment. I pray that everyday will continue to be a marvel for you and your family. May you be amazed daily. You are loved.

Just Breathe

Breath. Breathing. Breathe.

It's crucial, and yet, it's automatic. It's absolutely essential to life, but it's rarely pondered unless you're an athlete, someone working to relieve stress...or someone who is dying.

I used to be skeptical and quite cynical towards those people who say, "just breathe" when life gets tough or hectic or unmanageable. Secretly, on the inside, I wanted to tell them where to go, how to get there, who to meet when they check in, and what to order on the menu. I didn't buy it.

                                                                                    At all.

But as with so many things in life that we learn, we either choose to open up to something new, or we are forced to face the newness anyway with resistance and resentment. I am learning...the first one is way easier for everyone. Being defiant to learning new things is really just an unyielding to change, don't you think?

I have found my breath. It couldn't have come at a better time. Everyone has stress, and deals with it in their own unique ways.... mine has always leaned towards being introverted and introspective. It's something I have chosen to work on...and it's hard. It's very hard. It's hard to change who you've always been.

So it came back to a rebirth. It came back to the beginning...and that place where all I have to do is commit to one thing.

To breathe.

It's restored focus. It's restored peace. It's allowed me to be a kinder human being. Kinder in life, and to those I do life with...and mostly, to myself. It's healing with each calculated inhale...and exhale, and it clears my mind of the daily information hurricane.

I allow it to be a prayer. I allow it to be an expression between myself and my Creator. I allow it to be an outward expression of my gratitude, and am mindful that each breath surely has purpose, has restoration in it's very fibre...and is a measurement of my life.

xo

Things That Matter

When I look at the world I know, I see a bright prism of things I love.

If you were to ask me my perspective on any world issue, I'd have to tell you I am a black and white kind of gal; fiercely driven by the right, the just and the kind.

You wanna know what matters to me? Here goes:

1. Tolerance. Not that tug of war between your opinion and my opinion, or either of us trying to convince the other of our rightness, and the others wrongness. No. Tolerance is a chosen skill, and it takes work. Tolerance does not require acceptance, but it DOES require understanding and a glimmer of respect for someone else's opinion, conviction or chosen path in life.

2. Having a heart for the world and the things I believe God holds important. This excludes politics and agendas, and national opinions and big mouths with small minds. The God I know grieves at the starving child in Africa, or in the grade 1 classroom in your city. The God I know weeps for those caught in a storm of genocide and a world that turns a blind, unimpacted, indifferent glance. The God I know looks at the grieving, the broken hearted, the discarded and societies "less than's" and sends out a charge...to YOU, and to ME. His question is, "What are you going to do about it?" The God I know doesn't measure sin on a sliding scale of bad to worse, nor does He punish this way. The things that break the heart of the God I know are real heart issues, NOT whether or not gays can marry or be given the same rights as everyone else. Any Christian thinking of throwing their opinion and hatred at this issue should remember that Christ always had a heart for the opressed and shunned, and when asked to pass judgement or mercy? He ALWAYS chooses mercy and love.

3. Making a difference. It used to be abstract to me. Out there, inspiring me in my highschool classroom with a guest speaker, or an amazing trailblazer being featured on a TV show. It has hung over my head for years, without a form or an identity, until I ventured to do something revolutionary. What was that, you may ask? It's one small, 3 letter word.

TRY.

Your foray into service doesn't have to be loud and splashy. Paying for a strangers coffee? You just did it. Serving in a soup kitchen once a month? Bravo. Offering to take the kids for a stressed out Mom? You'll never know the full weight of this kindness. You may never know the ripple effects of your actions, but I assure you, that your attempts along with millions of other people everyday who choose to do one kind thing a day...they matter. They bear value..and they restore those frayed edges  of humanity.

4. Love. It's so many things that create a happy life. It's patience. It's kindness. It's slow to anger. It's HARD work. But choosing everyday to love, those who you do life with, and those who life forces to the periphery...it's the only thing we've got sometimes. None of us will get to the end of our lives wishing for more time at work, more money in our bank account, or a bigger TV in our livingroom...but we will hopefully all be ushered into the next life surrounded by those who love us deeply and are sending us into the expectant arms of those who love us even more.

5. Understanding. On so many levels, aren't we all just trying to understand and be understood? I have chosen over the last few years, that being around people who inspire me and push me, and are honest with me...those are the people I want to be understood by. The ones who have my back at the best and worst turns in life. I've turned my back on some who relentlessly question my judgements, or my intentions, or my heart...because they will never understand me, and I will never understand them. I wish them well, and I let them go. I'm on a mission to understand so much.

 I think the biggest queries are finally finding their resolutions as I knock on 37 this year.

I hear a resounding response when I ask just what this life is all about. The God I know speaks to me so I understand...and do you know what He says to me?

"Roll on Jenny...you've got this."

Where's your list, friend? xo

The Runner

Think of the thing that most scares you, and you will have found yourself in my Adidas pink and grey trainers a number of months ago. Throughout my whole life, there have been vapoured limits. Limits imposed by society...by my peers, by my very insecure self.

You're not smart enough.
You're not thin enough.
You're not wealthy enough.
You're certainly not fit enough.

I bought a pair of proper running shoes years ago. I didn't know I  had bought "running" shoes, until I looked the model up online recently, just to see what the heck I've been putting my feet into. Sure enough, this non-runner had the makings of destiny at her feet...waiting to be stepped into...

and forward.

Forward into a life where I don't give a damn about what you think I am capable of. Forward into a life where I am no longer the hopeless fat girl from highschool, because I run 5-10k four times a week. Forward into the race of one....the race of WON.

Trying is scary. So I set my own pace...I run for me...and I run for the girls I see everyday who are special and unique and beautifully unusual, the ones people don't care to understand, or the ones who drown in the lonliness of not being "normal".

My hope for them and for all of us really, is for us to realise that life is to be run in our own lane, without too much adherence to the negative darts of disillusionment that fly by everyday. We keep running, we aim to be better...we breathe air into our own lungs, we perspire our own sweat, and we achieve our own small and monumental goals.

Why? Because we can.

I am a runner. YES, I am.

Fragile Freedom

Take a deep breath.

Breath is something we take for granted. Clearly, claiming a breath is something we do every few moments out of necessity and automatically. When that innate signal ceases we will fade from vibrancy into memory.

There is a balance of elements in life that finitely determines our existence. Should oxygen and CO2 get tangled and lose their proportions, life as we know it would instantly change, and we'd be gone.

But with all of lifes uncertainty, seemingly unparalleled unfairness and horrible injustice, I am confident in the questionless points in life.

Good is everywhere. Expecting good actually changes your soul and the way you fit into the world. Expecting bigger, more beautiful things out of life propels you into possibility. That bottomless wishing well of chances, fullfillment and joy spills over so you don't even have to peek inside. Your feet will be immersed in the run off of life's promises. It starts with your glorious ability to use the most powerful word in our language (in my humble opinion) and that is:

Choice.

The beauty of choice, is that it has no stamped expiration date. Choosing to finally change, choosing to finally forgive, choosing to be kind in the face of aggression, and choosing to claim your own peace...all of these actions are valuable the first time, the tenth time...and the last time. They matter. They always matter. Not exercising these intuitive instincts is as a result of one thing:

Fear.

To stay in a bad situation is believing the lies...that we've told ourselves...and that have been projected onto us. Choosing to live in unforgiveness harms the the unforgiving much more than the unforgiven. The unforgiving fears a loss of control. Choosing to face aggression with kindness goes against our natural instincts, but I assure you, soft words turn away wrath. (Proverbs 15:1)

Choosing your own peace is the lesson that serves the greatest personal reward. It actually allows the reclaiming of your life. It's hard. It's VERY hard. Choosing to release control of other peoples reactions and actions, and focusing on your own responses only is like loving the orchestra, but choosing to close your eyes and only listen with a headset. Realizing, your response to the situation, and your feelings from the situation are all that matter at the end of the day. Fear will tell you you need to own it all... peace will whisper, "you're truth is all that matters...and you only have to say it ONCE."

Your freedom lays in your hands. It breathes, and lives...and deeply inhales hope...hope that you will create something timeless everyday no matter the size or the measure. It lies fragile, and full of anticipation...and it completely trusts you and that you're doing the best you can right now...and if you're not, don't worry...it knows you're trying and you will get there.

“Freedom is fragile and must be protected. To sacrifice it, even as a temporary measure, is to betray it.”